|
[25 Dec 2006|03:57am] |
The story of a great man is that he never fails, but rising up each time he does- Nelson Mandella
In Political Science, as the professor finished up his lecture he left us with something really interesting about politics. First off politics will be always determined by someone's point of view. Second, politics is really fickle- anyone given enough time and gumption can make miracles happen. The third is, for all the talk of what terrorism is today about how evil it is and how wrong it is to inflict pain and suffering; even Nelson Mandella was a terrorist. I always knew right from the start that politics and opinions are completely dependent on the perspective of its owner. But what irks me even more is the fact that unlike an equation, there is no right or wrong. Politics is a pie, and every person is fighting for his fair share.
I have to say that life has been an interesting turn in the last four years. Never in my life before was I seriously asked to contemplate the decisions that I would have to make. Finding a job, finding a date, finding a place to live, finding money, for all the treasure hunts that seem to happen I seem to have found something far greater by accident. I found a life. That is the true irony about life, you think the moment that you don't have one be it via work, school, or a family you think you're missing out something greater. When in reality you have that something greater. You have a reason to push forward. You have a reason to actually work towards something. Like that great line in Kill Bill, Budd says that the greatest R that kills old people is retirement. People tend to live longer if they actually have a reason to live for. Ironically we are all machines designed to mill through life endlessely until we finish some menial task until it is done. Once we're used up, we die. You know what that makes us? It makes us a battery. But unlike some prissy teenager going on about the wrongs of this world, the best part about life is the fact that we get to choose what we are a battery for. Human beings are meant to be used as power sources depended on to fill some void in this world. Whether or not we commit ourselves to our jobs or out families, in the end we only have so much power until we run out. But that's the beauty of it all. Without it there being a time limit, there would be no necessity to finish any task at all. My professor said it best; "if I give you the whole quarter to finish a two page paper, trust me, it will take you the whole two weeks to finish that paper. But if I gave you only a day to finish it, then most of you will get it done in that day." The point that I am making is that life as diverse, pointless and menial it may be at time, is not that we are destined to die. But ultimately given unique opportunities to fill in the hours we're given. In a sense, death is the constant reminder that life must not be taken for granted. As much, life should be seen as an opportunity to rise up each time you fall.
|
|
|
[09 Dec 2006|03:27am] |
I was driving back from Frank and Son's on Wednesday night contemplating the things that one of my friends said to me that day: "the way that girl looks at you, dude, she totally wants you man." And yet since I'm scared to say who that girl is and didn't realize it, it points out the obvious: I'm a true Magic player. Something that I've had to get used to over the course of my senior year in college is the prospect of more female attention. I cannot tell you exactly why this is occuring since according to my own standards, I'm not the best candidate for dating material but to only realize my positives rather than my negative. My negatives have been defined by the fact that I have been known to be obnoxious, conceeded, and sometimes arrogant. Back in the old days (last year) I was also slightly overweight. Now keeping in mind, most people who say the first three are people that I rarely whose opinion that I don't take much heed to. I know that sounds arrogant, but hear me out. I find lately that most people honestly bore me to tears. The reason being is that most people would rather spend their lives doing nothing and expect everything in return for this way of life. Just walking around campus and examining Greek Life, I find three subjects that are constantly in abundance sex, booze, and fun. In other words; irresponsibility. My friend Sarah once said that this is the only time of our lives that we'll ever get to be this irresponsible again. I disagree, you can be irresponsible whenever you damn please. Because college is the only time of your life where you can actually prove whether you have what it takes to be a lawyer or a doctor. People who screw up high school have the sliver's chance to ace Junior College then perform highly well at a respected University. If you honestly think you can get into a respected company, firm, or medical practice with a bad GPA- then you better put down that bottle of alcohol and face facts; there is no other time in your life you can show that you have what it takes then the raw scores and your aptitude for learning. Unfortunately for you; grades are the best sign of whether or not a person is committed to doing well. Not after they are done with school. See to clarify what I'm getting at, I can't respect anyone who is not making the most of what they have. Rather to lead a life of doing nothing seems pointless and a waste of an existence. In this manner, doing well regardless of what your reason is should be your only priority; not looking for excuses. You might think I'm arrogant and conceeded. Yes, I am conceeded, but I am not arrogant. Arrogance implies a superiority that I distinguish due to uncontrollable circumstances. I don't disrespect a man with lesser capabilities if he is doing what he can in order to get better. Rather I cannot respect a person who chooses not to utiize their talents due to the inhibition or lack of drive to do so. With that being said; let's talk about my positive qualities. Maybe I am really conceeded. I'm smart, driven, employed, and I'm motivated for a bright future. I drive and refuse to let life get the better of me. All in all, I try to make the most of my time everyday in order to brighten my future. I love life, and each second I try to make the most of it by spending it wisely. Regardless for my utter ineptitude for women, I'd like to think that I'm a catch.
Anyways, finals is just around the bend and I should get back to it. Man, I should not go on anymore ego trips.
|
|
|
[02 Dec 2006|12:45am] |
Did you have ever those days where you seem to be getting into fights with everyone? At first the initial reaction is "why are they being so oversensitive? It can't possibly be my fault." Then it progresses into, "Why am I such a bad person? It just can't be a coincidence that I'm getting into tiffs with all these people. It must be me." But then you over analyze what you said, and worse you could have and should have said and think to yourself "man I wish I changed what I said." I'm normally an expert in those situations predicating to the fact that I'd like to think that I own to up to my mistakes and not take for granted what I have. Often times I placate to the fact that I'm mindful of what the bigger issues are forgive my friends for what they've done to me. Because in those cases I'm sure that what I have done is just as bad. I wish it was one of those days.
Its rare for me to say this because I'm really good at owning my mistakes. I promised myself that pride would never cede over friends and personal relationships. And although some would disagree with that. All of the friendships that I tend to lose are often those who cannot forage past their own pride issues. So getting back to the first sentence, thinking about all of the things I have done to make people upset at me in the last few days I've realized that I have done nothing wrong. Or even if I could change the past, with respect to only avoiding the subject; I'm not sorry for any of it. If I were to change the past, it would only be to avoid what happened, not because of a flaw that I see in myself. And sadly, I don't know why that disturbs me so much. I'm used to thinking about my issues, figuring out what I did wrong or even how I could've done it wrong and focusing on my problems. But really it pisses me off that I can't blame myself.
Today, I talked to someone that I know and exclaiming to her how I felt that I had been unappreciated and was tired of her complaining whenever I asked her for favors (no joke, really I actually said it like this) she told me that she doesn't have time for this bullshit. She stated that she was stressed out over midterms and finals in the upcoming weeks. Its funny is that I'm thinking about those too but I'm not making it into an excuse. The conversation ended because she over exclaimed the fact that she helped me so greatly on my hall decorations when in my opinion she worked two hours on. Keep in mind she acted like she did all the work, and to be fair I'll admit that I am not the creative talent behind my work, its my friend Jenn. She made it sound like without her help my hall would have been desolate. I owe that sole credit to my friend Jenn, not her. And telling her that she really didn't do that much, she stormed out in a huff of rage. But the funny part is, she obviously felt underappreciated. The problem is, its like taking credit for a noble peace prize when all you did was deliver the notepads to the scientists who made the publishing. Its funny that I thought about that for so long attempting to pick up apart my failings as well as hers and the sad part is, I can't find a place in my discussion where I was wrong. I wasn't even insensitive. In fact it was her who attempted to take credit for all of her work with my hall in the first place before I discredited her. But what bugs me most is the fact that a real friend would stop bringing that up in an attempt to guilt me into doing things. The whole point of the conversation was a way for me to tell her to stop bitching about my favors when she so frequently asks for her own.
After talking with Jerry, he stated that I'm not so angry as I am frustrated. I'm frustrated according to his belief that I reached out and it blew up in my face. Its funny that whenever I'm not pissed at Jerry (most of the time I'm not), he tends to say a lot of inciteful things about human behavior and myself. He is right, I'm not mad. I am frustrated.
In the end he cemented a notion of my own about human people and that is: the habit of alcohol and making excuses for it is not limited to just substance abuse. People will make excuses about any form of detrimental behavior in fear of admitting that what they hold to be true and comfortable might be wrong. People will let their pride get the best of them when it comes to telling them about something that they are comfortable with. In this case the fear of the unknown becomes predominant and in order to mask this fear they make excuses in order to hide their own flaws.
I just hate it when I run into this brick wall.
|
|
|
[08 Aug 2006|01:58am] |
One of the Resident Advisors who has recently become a friend of mine had told me that it is very likely that about half the people on staff (which is another way of saying all the RAs and PCs,) are likely to have been sexually assaulted and/or abused in their lifetime. Let me tell you that is probably the greatest blessing that my Mother and Father had never allowed toward me. Thankfully I never was molested, abused, or assaulted in that manner. I can thank God everyday for the fact that my fate was different from many of the others. The sad reality is, that over 1/3 of the American population has likely been sexually abused at one time or another in their lifetime. Unfortunately, many of these people grow up; feeling victimized go out there and sexually abuse someone else as adults to repeat the cycle of sexual abuse.
Even though my family is incredibly dysfunctional, I can be glad to know it could have been much worse growing up. Although at times, I wonder how life could have been.
As times progress, it seems like a novel unfolds beneath your eyes. When I read Harry Potter, and this is the closest analogy I can give. Harry grows up and experiences incredible difficulties each year he is at Hogwarts. With each year, the reader gets to discover the smallest glimpse of Voldemort's cruelty. However in books six, you get a real taste, a heaping dose of what he is and how cruelty can manifest in a human body. Similarly each year, I learn something incredibly new about myself. This year especially, I learned the value of confidence.
For most of my life, my parents have always told me that I need to be better. Or in many ways that I wasn't good enough, or living up to my standards. And really they still do. I mean they got mad at me for not always being at the top of the class. In many ways my parents stifled my ability to believe what I am capable of by telling me what I'm capable of. Instead of blaming my parents for my failures, eventually I would have to learn to embrace them. The psychology of my thinking is in many ways simple, but also complex. To break it down is this, for a while the reason why I never pursued relationships is because I kind of assumed that women were too good for me. That I was never good enough to pursue the ones I'm interested in. This developed into an inferiority complex that actually sparked a good change. I decided to work out like there was no tomorrow. After the summer of Disneyland, I started working out on a daily basis. Mostly crunches and non-back breaking push ups. Every few monthes or so, I would increase the amount I would do. Eventually getting used to what I do, and noticing that underneath the extra gut I have, I have six pack waiting for me when I finish this cereal box. But as I was saying I started to improve myself in ways I never imagined. The year I became a Resident Advisor, I was forced into so many positions and leadership roles that I reallly had two options. Fail or learn. To be honest, I really hated my first year as an RA. But what I learned from it is more invaluable to me than anything I have ever learned before. I learned how to listen better and more carefully to the issues around me. And understand the world just a little bit more. My insecurities began to flush away for the sole fact that I finally understood that people are just as or more screwed up than I am. There is no such thing as a non-dysfunctional person. For even the most non-dysfunctional people are completely unable to cope with some of the life challenges that the world throws. In essence, any non-dysfunctional person would not have been able to cope with what I went through because the world for them is perfect. But in reality these people don't exist, they're just extremely sheltered. When the world throws them a unique curve ball, they duck running from the plate rather than strike out and learn something, or from experiences accumulated- hit it out of the park. With the basic life experiences I've accumulated, I began to expand my other abilities as well. What I noticed about women and relationships is that they tend to ask for a little bit of confidence from their man. That is in no way a bad thing, however women often times tend to be utterly confused between the differences between confidence and obnoxious, rude, or even cocky behavior. Confidence is believing that we are capable of doing an expected task well and proficiently. Not pretend to be lord and masters at the smaller things in life. Confidence in reality is stepping up your game when life demands it. But also to remember that confidence does not coincide with arrogance as well. And to know the difference. Given the life experiences, the friendships, and the utterly troublesome times I went through this year- I have gained so many prolific skills that I never thought would come so naturally to me. In the end, I became a leader to my staff. A hero to my closest friends. A champion of doing what is necessary and what is right; and knowing the difference. Being a good role model. But most importantly to know that without my friends, my family, and the people who support me. I would be nothing. To know what I am capable of is the most prolific and life altering experience I have ever felt in my life. I never understood before this year what exactly I was capable of. My boss Mike thinks its my commitment, perseverence, and most importantly my willpower. My friends think its my utter dedication to responsibility and keeping the boat in the water. Amy thinks its my high expectations of myself and the people around me. I have high expectations of myself, but I don't enforce those on people around me. I expect people to responsible more than anything else. But what I think more than anything else, is a spirit that tells me to do what is necessary because it is the right thing to do. To be the champion that I have always sought. And with that life affirmation, knowing that I am to transcend regularity-that in itself is my confidence. To once believe that I was inferior has me now shaped into knowing what I truly am: I am Me. No matter what anyone else tells me, or does, or says; the only way alike from Superman to save the world is to be the hope that all things are possible. That true good exists. And to always believe that good will be the light that extinguishes the darkness in all our fears.
I know what confidence is.
Sometimes it comes in the most unique experiences.
|
|
|
[14 Jul 2006|03:36am] |
There is this guy named Jerry,(not my brother) who always states how easy it is for him to get laid. Now I have no doubt he can, but this is a guy who smokes cigerettes like a chimney, drinks incessantly, and has a lot of violent urges and tendencies. He had a rather rough childhood. But a little while ago I told him that I'm in college and getting laid isn't that hard for me. Its something I choose not to do by choice. Back then it was hard for me to get a date, but still; its easy enough to get laid. Step 1: go to a frat or sorority party my friends hold. Step 2: give enough attention to an emotionally unstable girl. Step 3: make her feel important, and she recripocates.
Now I broke it down to the extreme. But the point is, most men who get laid on a regular basis prey on girls who are emotionally unstable and would sleep with anyone on the basis of importance, validation. For as human beings we all desire to feel important to someone. To anyone really.
For me now, I understand its about finding that ONE girl. I know it sounds crazy. But the first person I ever sex with is the last person I want to share myself with. Its weird having my friends having sex so much around me. And even though my hormones want me to dump my goods on some random girl. My heart tells me to wait. My brain says that maybe it will never happen. But still, its about so much more than satisfying an itch. I don't know maybe since I've never had it, I can afford to wait. My friends all think I'm crazy. I've had girls attracted to me. I know when a girl likes me or has feelings for me. But there is so much more to life than just sex. There's everything in between. Instead of just rushing to that point, I know if I get there on my own time-I'll make my own fairy tale come true.
|
|
|
[08 May 2006|10:25pm] |
I started the year unsure of myself like usual, asking the exact same questions that as I do now. Will I do a good job? How will I get through this? Are things going to get any better? It is these questions that made me wonder if life was worth living. If everything I had gone through to this point was worth while, and the only thing I discovered throughout this entire process is the fact that life is exactly as you make it. The attitude, the heartbreak, the lovelost and the love gained: life is a story that you write yourself. It is up to you to make it a good one.
I write this now because I am unsure if I still have the ability to write. So I am emptying my thoughts, some of this might be confidential spillover, but I think people will forgive me for that.
Juthamas thought me something very important about friendships. She taught me indirectly that good friends are rare and worth holding onto. And even though you don't understand them a lot of the times, they're ambition overall is to be there for you. Sort of like family but that is a given. What she taught me was funny and ironic, it was her experience as a bad friend that I understood what a good friend was. This entire time, I was trying to figure out if I had made a good impact this entire year. And she tells me something that hurt me so purely and so devastatingly that I had to figure out on my own what life meant. She said "if you feel this way, why did you ask me to go to lunch?" I'm telling you this after something tragic happened in the Reshalls. I think those of you who are close to me knows what that is. But anyways, it was in this struggle that I started looking to understand why she was such a bad friend at the time, whether if it was purposeful, and if I could learn from her mistakes and begin to be a better friend. It was during that weekend that I understood what the answer was. It was that weekend that I felt I had made an impact.
On that Saturday, I made a crying girl in my car laugh with a fart joke. Something so innocent and so stupid, but I managed to do it. But more importantly I don't understand it. How did I make a crying girl laugh from something like that? It took me a while to understand what I had done; it is something so simple and something that so many of us overlook: I listened to her pain and suffering. And when things couldn't get any more awkward, I made them more awkward, even funny. It is in this humor I understood that a good friend was just being there. I didn't make her feel better because of a fart joke, I made her feel better because I was there and more importantly I was a body that cared.
The next day I convinced my friend that she should be proud of her virginity. The funny thing about girls is that they are more susceptible to lose it because guys want it all the time right? I mean what guy doesn't want sex? But I told her that it was an accomplishment, something that she was so unsure of and something she was quite sure whether if she should have been ashamed of, and turned it into something that she became proud of. The reason I told her that she should be proud is that girls can have sex at any moment they really choose. I mean that by the fact that a guy never really says no to sex. And extending that further most girls regret having sex their very first time because they are unready. But I told her that she was different, she should only have it when she was sure and when she was ready. And only in this readiness will she sure. The fact that she never caved into peer pressure was something to be proud of. She controlled her hormones, her feelings, but more importantly I told her that it was okay. She was going to find exceptance no matter what.
I told me resident that she didn't need a boyfriend to feel whole. Over time, she came to except that.
Another resident, I told her that no matter what: things get better. Its just shitty right now. But theres so much more in life that we are thankful for and that is overlooked. We forget the good things by remembering the bad.
And I have to remember to take my own advice on that.
But all and all, I have attempted to make an impact in life so much more important than my own. I have always wanted to become President of the United States, but sometimes I have to focus on the present to save for the future. Asking again have I made an impact: in Winter Quarter I know I did. But that doesn't mean I can get lazy. It just means that life is still worth fighting for.
|
|
|
[16 Mar 2006|12:12am] |
Let me tell you a story about UCR Res halls. This year there has been a car accident, lost glasses during midterm week, eight papers, two suicides, a father becoming very ill, the closing of a store, residents not wanting to grow up, a smartass who thinks he can do a better job than you at something he knows nothing about, and the growing threat of some asshole who has a superiority complex because of a years time. This is the story of my life in the last year; and you know what? I know now that I am that much stronger for it.
Adversity has taught me a lot about life. It has taught me to appreciate the people in my life much more because without them, I would never have known how strong or able I was to deal with such tragic events. Part of the reason why I am strong is because my friends always can count on me to do what is right for them; despite my interests. And my friends can always count on me to do what is right. I love my friends with all my heart. But just being good to your friends isn't good enough. You have to strive to be good person; and not because it guarntees heaven or some type of karma but because it is how we would want to be treated in turn. I learned so much this year...and later on I'll explain exactly what it is.
|
|
| Resident Advisers |
[14 Nov 2005|11:30pm] |
Over the summer, I learned quickly that I was to become an Ra. At first I was really excited but as the months wore on I began to question whether or not I was ready for this monumental responsibility. The moment I came, I thought I was. It turns out, I may have been wrong. Being an RA, you are known as Staff. It feels like this exclusive group of special people who get to dictate order and rules. Similar to being the special hall moniter back in elementary school, we do get special priveledges. Although taking this job, you don't get what you're worth. And if anything else, you get more grief than what you're paid to do. But taking this job, the motive in mind is to learn valuable life skills. These skills are managing a group of people, learning to work as a team, but more importantly to grow as a person within the confines of a twelve by eleven foot room. This job comes with a lot of great perks. You are surrounded by fifty people who are obligated to do as they are told. For me its not so much a perk, but quickly becomes a responsbility because I am the one who often times has to ruin their fun. I have to be the one who crashes their party, tell them to be quiet, but more importantly to stop acting like toddlers. You get free room and board, plus a hundred bucks a month. After that, you're pretty much in it like an internship. You get treated like crap by lots of your residents because you are an Ra. But more importantly its done because there is great opportunity for you to be a leader among a group of people who for the most part want a successful college career. I have people's attention looking for me to guide them through a storm. A storm that I'm still learning to navigate and a storm for many, will be much worse than mine.
My resident's aren't going to make the same choices as me. Back in my freshmen year, I did treat college like a game. I did just want to have fun. I was eager and overexcited but I quickly learned where my roots are and how important it is to have a routine. Although I was never on AP, I'm getting the strong feeling that many of my residents will be by the end of the quarter. It is vitally important to know your limits and how far you can go within them. In my freshmen year, I was still grieving the loss of Amy, my first girlfriend. I was still learning to reel and beginning to understand how much of an impact that had on my life. It was then I really wanted to become something important. Something to give her life meaning as well as my own. If I could change others, if only one for the better then I've not only saved their life but my own. In my first year, I only made one lasting friend. It happened to be roommate Morgan whom I've had a great hand changing into a person who has a much less cynical outlook in life and begun to change him in ways that made him see the beauty in life. In my first year I've succeeded. Not only did I make a friend for life but more importantly I saved a person: I saved myself. With that motive in mind, my residents often care about two things, whats going on? And how much fun can I have doing it? Its so hard watching them fail their classes, their tests, and ultimately put themselves in harms way of the possibility of AP. A part of me wants to see one or two go from each hall just to make an example of how they might turn out. But that might be me being bitter and angry. I care about them a lot. I care about them like an older brother would, but just like babies their learning to understand life for themselves. They are beginning to understand the course changes in life and the rushing agony of failure. This is not high school any longer. Where life was just a game, a kegger, and keeping your parents happy so you can get away with doing drugs. Is this me being bitter? For a number of people in my hall absolutely. But for a good chunk of my hall, this is the college life for them. And these are the choices that differ from mine. If it was up to me, I'd let them drink because they would hasten their demise so they can finally learn how to grow up and take charge of the wonderful opportunities given to them. But I can't, I have to tell them to stop and when they ask me why they can't drink, I tell them "because its policy." But I'm thinking, because you should know better. They will ALL make stupid decisions. Just like I did. Just like I will. But the hardest part of being an RA is guiding them into making the right decisions. Other RA's are never there, or they get too attached to their residents, or are the perfect balance of both and wonder why they get less grief than I do. I'm sure other RAs feel the same. Its tough, you don't want to get too attached but its just so hard not to care about their safety. One of the RAs from upstairs has gotten really attached to his and you just wonder whats going to happpen when something happens to them. You want them to be successful. You want them to grow to be astronauts, doctors, and lawyers but that will never happen. I'll be lucky if I get one from any hall. I need them to understand that the choices that are made(as harsh as I might sound at times) is because they have to get used to taking accountability. Because as harsh as I might seem, I'd rather be hated and keep order rather than be liked and have the hall in chaos.
Telling my residents to be good is so much easier than I imagined, but all the same living in the res halls you will see drama, and more importantly not everyone can act their age. The loss of Amy taught me a very valuable lesson: nothing in life is worth holding on to that would make you feel bad in life. You(I) have a goal in life to set, and no matter how hard or frustrating things get: you must pick up your pieces and move on. In terms of drama, I learned that grudges are never worth it. You can choose not to trust certain people, but hating them is completely pointless. Being in the res halls is like being in high school all over again. In every hall there is the cool kids, the unpopular kid, and the kid who smells really bad. There are nerds, dorks, and the "hot" girl. But unfortunately you will see that among staff. Staff is its own click. They like to band together like they were in high school. Seperating themselves from their residents because we can't be friends with them. But sticking together and sharing gossip, being rude, and acting like they were in high school. Im not saying that everyone is like this. But you do understand what staff does to you. You expect people to act their age, but at the same time you see people act really immaturely. I had the great fortune of having Carol as my sister, who tells me to never be a part of the drama. And I try to stay out as much as possible. I think not wanting to be part of this high school click has left me the most isolated from staff. Not for any particular reason but because I usually have pressing things to take care of. Paperwork and homework are always my top priorties. After all that is my job as an Ra and a student. Remember to let things go and not to take part of any of the bad. Try to be friends with everyone. EVERYONE. And remember that courtesy is never a priveledge but a right extended to everyone. That is something that everyone should learn.
Being an RA is the single most difficult job I've ever had in my life. I'm used to my room being my sanctuary but not anymore. Not now, not for the rest of the year. I understand now what the res halls do to a person. They change them into leaders breaking the molds of people who can't and people who can. That includes both residents and staff. Residents who are too irresponsible to take care of their obligations as a student. And staff members who cannot handle the lack of privacy and connection given to the former. My RA said it best "Don't get too involved with your residents until after they stop becoming your residents. And forget about staff, most of the time its not worth it." And then there is what Ifa said, "ITS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME PETER!" They are absolutely right. I never understood this until after I wrote this novel out, but I understand my job now. Its not to make friends but to learn how to become a better person compassionately, intelligently, but above anything to grow as someone who can lead by experience and not by words. My job is simple: I am too make my hall a sanctuary for my residents who want to succeed. And even though it is not one for myself. Thats okay too, because I'm the RA now. If I can't save myself, who else can I save?
|
|
|
[30 Jul 2005|09:06pm] |
Sad to say, this summer hasn't been magnificent. Nor has it been the much needed rest I deserved. Unfortunately this summer has been plagued with arguments, fights, and the inability to recover from my own sicknesses. I'm not here to rant or bitch. I'm here to state facts. For the most part, this summer has sucked big time. And I could safely say, that most of you will probably agree with me.
The highlight of this summer started when I went to raging waters. This was a lot of fun. I went with my friends Ben and Stan. Although sad to say, nothing much has happened since then. I'm finding out the manager with whom I've made friends with, is quitting Gamestop because he refused to deal with any more corporate pressure. This is the most disturbing news of all because none of this will ever get better. People are getting squeezed out for corporate gains. And for the pleasure of yielding stocks, pennies come before people now. This is most unfortunate. This is happening everywhere. In Wal-Mart they refuse to pay higher than minimum wage while the CEO's make close two to three billion a year. Disney's CEO Eisner, is giving himself six figure bonuses at the back breaking expense of jipping people out of overtime. In my case, while I worked several shifts, what they did was wrote out our hours instead of using a time clock. Which can superceed any electronic signals. But enough of this.
Summer has sucked royally. I can't wait til I go back. At least then I won't have to deal with pompous assholes.
|
|
|
[05 Jul 2005|09:12pm] |
So last Thursday, I checked my mailbox and found the one piece of mail I've been waiting for for the last month or so. My selection as an Ra has finally arrived. At first I was kind of in a stage of shock. I couldn't believe how much I was anticipiating this, and now that it finally happened, I was just shocked. Then second, the high came off and I was faced with reality. There is going to be a lot of responsibility.
Lately, I've been recovering off a difficult school year. One in which I completely crashed and burned. Let me tell you one thing, when you crash and burn, take the time to recover. Believe me, its the only way to get better. Grade wise, I did perfectly fine. But when it came to my mental stress, it left me drained like a raisen.
Other than that, I've just been chilling.
|
|
| Summer Rap |
[18 Jun 2005|01:23am] |
So the year passed, like another chapter of a book, we come across the end of a time where things were static and stable. As every chapter starts, something changes, the rules progress, and things of reach their destination getting ever closer to their desired goal and destiny. This year I learned a lot. This year I learned about some really cool places and cool things. But above anything else this year, I have learned a lot about my family. My family of friends. So there ever was a better time to talk about my new family, here it is... tee hee
First I want to talk about my mom and dad. My Mom(Tina) is really quiet and really chill. I think when I was conceived, Mom was probably reading a magazine. Dad was yelling out "almost, almost," while mom was flipping pages of cosmo and muttering "are you done yet?" Dad on the other hand is really responsible, well at least for his own things. He's really good at planning but has a hard time relaying the message. That seems to be the major problem in this family, relaying messages. Anyways Dad is fun to be around. Especially on Friday nights when all we do is eat Chipotle. And on rare occasions, get Sun Doo boo in Roland Hills.
I also have three little sisters. First there is my sister/mom's mistress. See our family dynamics are really mixed up. Dad and I have an affair while mom and Fazila have an affair. None of us are gay but strangely Ben and I are really comfortable around each other. Like scary comfortable. Anyways Fazila is really nice and she gets the job done. In our family we have certain roles equated to each person. Little sis takes care of all the planning and does a very effective job getting things done. She's probably the smart one out of the group. Although she would never admit it.
The extended family members are Rosa and Anna. Rosa and Anna are blood sisters(Rosa is mexican and Anna is vietnamese). They love each other very much. While I'm adopted somewhere in this family and enjoying. Me and Fazila link this group up. So at least there is some connections going on. Rosa is really chill. She's the same as Tina is just getting things done. If there was ever someone I would want to be stuck on a deserted island with, she would be the first girl I know. Considering that Super Models really don't know how to do things, well at least most of them. Anna is a lot of fun too. Although, she never says much
For some reason these are the people I got know closest in the passing quarter. I love these people. And notice the sausage ratio too. Man I really need to meet more dudes. Well have a good night!
|
|
|
[13 Jun 2005|12:13am] |
|
My dad never stops nagging me. First off, he nags me about getting a job: when I already have one. Then he moves onto to nag me about my laundry, when its already put away. And then he nags me about my driving. Which is funny, he doesn't want me driving until I get better at driving. Okay, that makes absolutely no sense right? Seriously, my dad is way off his rocker and I'm hoping for the good of us all he manages to find his way back on. The worst thing about this is, my dad is the hardest one on me. He questions everything I do and everything I don't. He finds a way to think that I'll fuck it up, but no, I never do. He just assumes Murphy's law is always in effect for me: if it can go wrong, it will go wrong. But for me, I rarely screw up. I do things well and efficiently with lots of finesse. So many of my father's fear aren't predicated, he just assumes that I will screw up. It's funny, if he keeps this up, it will drive me to do just that.
|
|
| Never vote Republican |
[09 Jun 2005|04:06pm] |
|
Let's be honest, I've never hid how I've felt about this president. But oh, I so hate him even more now. Like if I ever needed another excuse to hate him, he finally hit the holy grail of why I WILL NEVER VOTE REPUBLICAN. This man cut my Pell Grant. Completely, I'm not even getting the copper Lincoln's face from this man. And I have no idea why either. I'm in the one of the higher brackets of deserving this financial need. But now he decided that it would be a good idea to let his fascist neo economic policies decide the fate of this country. This man has completely given me every reason to go into politics and smite the Republican Party altogether. If I ever get into office, they better watch out. I'll make Bill Frist look nice.
|
|
|
[08 Jun 2005|02:48pm] |
| Your IQ Is 120 | 
Your Logical Intelligence is Above Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius
Your General Knowledge is Exceptional |
|
|
|
[07 Jun 2005|11:15pm] |
I wish I had the family guy DVDs. That makes me sad...
I also wish I had a bigger memory stick for the PSP, you know the 512mb..
Or special speakers setup just for the psp...
|
|
| Bush makes another democrat |
[05 Jun 2005|02:19pm] |
The american public is so desperate to only hear of the good times, they'll do anything to make sure that is all they hear. The problem is, the politicians they elect have none of that interest in mind. Consistently electing people like Bush and Schwarzenegger make the problems worse. The cuts in taxes only make the middle case fight harder for what they have. While its really the Upper class that gets to keep its status quo. The problem is, higher inflation leads to higher prices. And neither the governor nor the president are willing to give a bone to the working class leading to a squeezed out middle class pushing people into the poverty line. In other words, the middle class isn't being shrunken to fit the upper class. Its that the middle class is being shrunk down into to poverty.
All data has shown that democracies tend to be threatened when this happens. The last time this was a major threat to the United States was during the Great Depression. The only thing that stopped this decline was FDR's purposal of Keynesian economics. However defecit spending is only acceptable if most people aren't willing to hear about it. Bush has consistently done nothing to help the majority of Americans. By reducing taxes on the wealthy and starting a war in Iraq, it puts the bill towards us working class Americans. What he is trying to purpose is that the Upper Class will invest so much more money and spend it thereby jumpstarting the economy and hoping that people will find work and jobs. But this has never proven to be the case. In Reagen's economy, most people were employed and constantly spending money. Also corporations didn't have the strangle hold they have now. What corporations do, is they suck up all the money: in theory they're supposed to give all this money back in the form of labor or invest it. However that is rarely the case anymore. Most corporations don't spend it, they've been holding onto to it in fear of worsening economy. Better yet, the theory is given by putting it in a bank citizens will withdraw that money and invest it. Again there is another flaw right here, the reason is, people don't invest with high interest rates. The problem with all this is that its beginning to start major economic problems. One of which the very realize, but worse is that unless its dealt with, the economy is headed for a major recession.
Since most people are so desperate to hear only good news from Bush, that is all he gives them. At every opportunity Bush blames his problems on someone else, thus furthering the denial of many Americans. All that Bush has done consistently is further the income gap, get us into a major glut in taxes due to Iraq, and furthering inequality in America. People often argue that America is too overdeveloped to collapse. But lets not kid ourselves into thinking that is absolutely true. Whenever a situation gets bad enough, you never know what people will do. No one thought that Rome would ever collapse.
Bush has done really nothing for the average American. The places most susceptible to terrorist attacks voted against him. Ground Zero voted against him. This shows that most Americans aware of their surroundings vote against him knowing that he has done very little to fix the situation. In fact terrorists can still smuggle explosives across the border or through cargo freighters. His tax cuts have further pushed Americans aside putting very few into the upper class while pushing most into the lower classes. The economy hasn't really gotten since Bush taken office. Of course the most die-hard Republican are going to argue that this was Clinton's fault. Even if it was, Bush has had five years to fix this problem. Even FDR made the economy better within three monthes. Worse off these tax cuts make the Iraqi War an unbelievable burden upon the middle class. By reducing taxes for the wealthy, they contribute less into the war and gain the most out of it. Its middle and lower class citizens who fight these wars. For all the talk that these Richmen say about America being the land of the free, they do very little to protect it. In fact the only people to benefit off of the war are Bush's cabinted members in the form of Halliburton and defense contracts that really appropriate money to nowhere. The Iraq war favors no one but this administration.
I believe in much of the Repubican ideology. Taxes being distributed more fairly. No defecit spending. And reducing taxes for investment. But Bush has done none of these things. In fact Bush has spent more on pork than any other president in history. He has reduced our rights, refused freedoms to all people, and made this country pay for it in the process. If this is the direction of the Republican party then I want nothing to do with it. Bush made me a democrat.
|
|
|
[01 Jun 2005|01:03am] |
Most Abercrombie picture I've ever taken.
|
|
|
[29 May 2005|01:57am] |
|
I have the bestest friends. I just wish they didn't smell so much ;p
|
|
| Quarters |
[28 May 2005|03:49am] |
|
When you start a book, you know for sure the story is going to end. Just by looking ahead, there is a certain amount of pages in the story, and you know that this story can't go on forever. Sure people can pick it up where it left off, but the author is long gone either retired or satisfied doing his part. Like a book, our stories are similar. Each page is a day of our lives, each chapter a long enduring struggle to find our niche in this world. And the story, well that's really up to you to decide. But like any other good story, another chapter of my life is coming to a close. Pretty soon the realization steps in as well, that life no matter how hard we struggle is always a dynamic process refusing to wait for anyone.
My sophomore year has just about coming to a close. So at this time, I might as well rap it up. This year I didn't make as many friends as last year. But the friends I have made or much closer and better then anything I can ask for. These people always greet me with indiscriminate smiles and warm arms. Hell something else besides might be happening as well. I've going through this bitter struggle with self identity. And last I've finally realized what this year is all about.
This quarter, I made the best friends I could possibly ask for. Having good people like Ben, Tina, Fazila, Rosa, Anna, Janet, Sarah, Belle, these people made my last quarter from terrible to believing in hope. I could never give these people up. They brought so much light in my life. They made me feel like a person. And all I could hope for, is I did the same.
This belief, this doubt is killer. Its destructive and brutal. But funny, if you don't focus on it, it goes away like a housefly. So when it comes to doubt, I learned to just move on and never be afraid. After all, fear is for those who are weak enough to accept it.
Time is very much dynamic. Nothing stays the same no matter how hard you fight or struggle. All you could do is go along with it. Its funny, these people who talk of yesterday with such fondness. However yesterday is long gone and as people we have to move on to accept it. Otherwise we turn republican.
|
|
| Right and wrong |
[13 May 2005|11:37pm] |
I should be studying, but I'll do that after I write this journal. Sometimes people are so frustrating. When I was talking to a bunch of College Republicans, they made me realize how stupid people are. And this is not limited to republicans but people in general. People always get into arguments. Its a way of life. But instead of trying to find a peaceful resolution, people always look for ways of vindicating their opponent and feeling righteous about themselves. Its frustrating, and it saddens me to know that at times I do it too. So for the last few weeks I've been doing everything I can to stop myself from winning arguments and focused on just solving problems. Because everytime these arguments are made, it turns into a cold war of words where neither side backs down and escalates into just wasted time.
Interesting note, and I just realized this. My brother has a very difficult time controlling his voice. His voice tends to yell and be elevated easy and quick. I don't like it when it lashes it out on me. However when I tell him to stop yelling, he tells me to grow tougher skin and deal with it. I'm not a dignitary, but that is a terrible way of dealing with things. Its something that Bush seems to do a lot. For one thing, instead of being his problem, he is deciding to make it solely mine. That it is my fault that I'm being offended when he is being offensive. Of course being offensive is a matter of opinion right? Shouldn't he be at least making an effort to stop offending me? Instead he continues on thinking that he is right and I am wrong.
I don't like this side of people. It brings out the worst of us. One of my friends called me yesterday and was looking for reassurance that she was right in an argument that she had. To be honest, she tends to jump on conclusions. A lot. Half the questions that she has for me end up like this: No I don't think so, I'm going to go check...one week later...okay you were right about blah blah blah. Not that I'm saying that I'm always right, but she tends to second guess me a lot. She had an argument with her boyfriend about the stupidest thing. I spent the whole night saying she was being stupid along with her hobo of a boyfriend. She was being stupid because she was being irrational, and refusing to take the time to think where she was wrong.
People don't like second guessing themselves. I'm starting to think that if they feel that if they're ever wrong it leads to a: resentful feelings of the person they apologized to, and thinking that they'll rub it in forever. For one, if this person truly cares about you, they'll forgive you. And two if they're mature, they'll let it go. This leads to the darker side of people. Fear of being wrong. B:they lose confidence in themselves feeling that they don't know what is right anymore. Its ironic. People who claim to be the most aware tend to be the least. For example, the christian coalition, the KKK, the NRA, and most all right wingers. Then again, black activists who keep fighting for "undervalued rights", I'm not going to get into the politics of this one, its too grim and pointless. Many vegans, communists(the true ones anyway), and all extreme left wingers. This desire to be always right is so destructive. I'm tired of it. Moderatation is seeming to be squeezed out like the middle class. The desire to listen is going with it.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
eatnsleep's journal